| Wednesday, August 19, 2009 |
 hey everyone... i edited this picture today... well i just wanted to i guess. i'll be on MC for today and tomorrow okay?! i'm having fever, cough,headache. :/ actually having mc for this two days won't be so bad cause i'll be given time to actually catch up on work especially art, and i'll be able to have sometime to spend my day at home to actually think properly. Think about how's life. i've not really come to my own senses yet. sorry yuhern... i apparantly cut myself. didn't want to but well i can't help it but i promise i won't do it again right?! (: believe me. i guess... anyway, thinking through everything, mel i'm sorry. we somehow can't communicate anymore?! we'll just have to try and try to communicate i guess. i know you don't understand me anymore. i'm sorry if you have to feel that way. sorry bout everything. cause now meantime, i can't even understand myself so how am i suppose to ask you to understand me right?! give me time dear give me time. yeah?! guess i'm running away from reality again huh?! i'm always looking cheerful and everything but i'm not. not one bit... if i made anyone of you worried or something, i'm sorry cause now i dont understand myself, i dont even know whats going on in my life. i just need time okay? i know it ain't easy for ya'll but it aint easy for me neither. you may think i dont wanna tell ya'll anything but its not that. it's just that i guess i'm afraid? you ask me why am i afraid! is it cause i don't trust you?! ITS NOT TRUE! i trust ya'll every single one. it's just me. i guess it's due to what i've experienced? well i thought i was already over what i experienced and what i've learned cause of it. well apparantly i'm not over it yet. i'm still afraid. guess that's what happens huh?! once it's broken, even when it's fixed back, there'll still be scars and scratch marks left behind. it ain't removable. with justin's death, i learned that i was always depending on him. on his rescue to help me stand up again. for over 10 years of my life, i've depended on him and now i'm alone. no more justin to depend on i guess that's when i have to start learning to depend on myself, to be independent. yes i know i have God and that's all i need. praying to God everyday helps. but for the meantime, i'll have to learn to trust in God again. i've drifted far and now i have to go back to him before anything else happens. i need him and i know he wants me back but now it's when i have to be independent and face my fears. face my troubles and not runaway again. guess i've been to dependent on the people around me and took them for granted huh!? it's time, time that i learn to stand on my feet again when i fall. time that i have to learn to be independent so that i can walk towards God again. and i know God will always be there to wait for me and lend a helping hand. if i ever want to cut myself or do something stupid again, you have my permission to slap me awake. seriously. i'm just running away from my problems like usual. stop it phoebe, if you continue to run, it'll never be solved and more problems will just add on. and i'll just get worse and worse. sometimes i guess that's how life is huh?! everyone changes. i'll just have to get use to it. for now i guess i'm changing and it'll affect some people as well so i want ya'll to know that you'll still be the same person i knew from the start till the end. and i still love you. so meantime if i suddenly shut up and not talk to anyone, please understand. that's how i guess i can solve my probs? or maybe i'm just running away again... i want ya'll to know that i love ya'll and thankyou for everything. i thankyou for being there and i'm sorry i've let ya'll down again and again. iloveya'll. this is not a suicidal post please ppl, i won't be that stupid to keel myself. i just need ya'll to understand that, that's how i feel, how life has been... |